Friday, January 23, 2009

Using The Term "Food" Loosely

Death Note

Walgreens Times Square, 6:00pm, January 22nd:
woman in back, on phone:
"Zach is right. They do look scary up close. There are a couple options. Should I get the double cheeseburger bulkie? What does bulkie mean? I thought it said bulgogi at first, but I was sorely mistaken. I will not get the steak and cheese; that looks too vile."

Walgreens "Cheeseburger"
Dear Jesus, if I die, please don't hold my early 20s against me.

Now on line, thinking:
"Oh, Immodium, I should probably get that too. They should sell the Immodium with the food, to make it easier on people. We're New Yorkers; we want to get the hell out of Times Square ASAP."

Burger to Bun Ratio
The burger to bun ratio is a bit off

At home, talking to nephew:
"I need to write a death note because what I'm about to eat may kill me. I love you."
"Why would you want to eat something that will kill you?"
"Well it probably won't. I'll most likely just get violently ill."
"What's that mean?"
"You don't want to know."

Warming up the "Cheeseburger"
Apply heat, kill bacteria

Warming up, the "burger":
"I'm going to need a chaser. I can't think of a better reason to dip into my Blue Label. It will kill the germs."

Blue Label
If anyone can save me, it would be Johnnie.

Cutting a piece off:
"I can't take more than one bite. I just can't."

I did eat it
Once. More than enough.

Holding back the dry heaves:
"Hmm, it sort of tastes like the burger from Zen Burger. Faux meat is so weird. Pretty disgusting, no more than Danku."

5 comments:

Bear Silber said...

Haha, this was hilarious. I don't know if I'd eat "food" from Walgreens.

Yvo said...

lol was it really that bad? It reminds me of the vacupacked vending machine burgers from my days in college. I used to inhale those. You have to microwave them (in plastic) to get a little moisture going in there to make it almost edible :)

Sarah said...

Eeew. You are brave. Bulkie is a type of roll (like a braided challah roll).

Margot said...

"Bulkie" ... that's so funny, when I was little, growing up in VT, my mom called Kaiser rolls "bulkie rolls" - I think it's a New England thing. These were packaged in Mass right? Go figure.

I heart cupcakes said...

We have something similar looking in the UK for 99p (just over a $) - I see lots of people filling up their trolleys with these in Adsa (Walmart) to feed their kids! Once we saw a mother and 3 kids with nothing but these and microwave fries - I did wonder if her children ever saw a green! They're plain nasty and you'd be as cheap to make your own burgers from mince I think!